Funny Stuff from Dilbert Newsletter

Great stuff.

PRESIDENTIAL STUFF
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The United States is having a presidential election involving a number of confusing things such as issues, platforms, and electoral votes. As a member of the DNRC, you know that this is an elaborate scheme concocted by the Founding Fathers to protect voters from the embarrassing realization that they always elect the candidate with the best hair.

Democracy might have some rough edges, but it’s still the best system in the world. If you don’t believe it, here are some true quotes overheard from the citizens who will help decide which leader should have the nuclear launch codes:

“If there was a rainbow at night, how would you know it was there?”

“Just because he’s our landlord doesn’t mean he owns the place.”

“Wasn’t bronchitis a dinosaur?”

“All old people should be shot at birth.”

“I know that area of town like the back of my head.”

The biggest issue this election is something called flip-flopping, and all candidates are accused of doing it. A strong leader is expected to maintain steadfast resolve in his opinion even if the environment changes or he gets new information. In any other context, that would be considered the first sign of a brain tumor. When presidents do it, it’s called leadership, and frankly, we can’t get enough of it.

Tip: Place your houseplants in front of the television during the next presidential debate and watch how leafy they get.

This election the decision is especially difficult because it pits a sitting president who started a war in order to find things that don’t exist, versus an ugly guy. I don’t think I’m alone in saying I’m not totally comfortable with either choice.

The official DNRC position in this campaign is that other people’s votes shouldn’t count. So find someone who disagrees with all of your opinions and convince that person to stay home on Election Day. Promise that you’ll do the same. Then use your absentee ballot to vote from home so that technically you didn’t lie. If there is one thing that our role models in this election have taught us, it’s that omitting important information is completely different from lying.

If you are not a citizen of the United States, you can still vote in the election by using an absentee ballot. I’m pretty sure no one checks to see if they’re real.

“I’m sweating like a bullet.”

“Monday morning the fan is going to hit the roof.”

“We’re having this meeting to make sure all our ducks are on the same page.”

“Yeah, I’ve got a lot of black sheep in my closet.”

“You don’t want to put all your legs under one blanket.”

“Call me back at your least convenience.”

“It’s six of one and one of the other.”

“I can’t do it in the spur of a hat.”

“I don’t want to run any flags up the telephone pole.”

“You know I’m just pulling your lamb?”

“I’ve been running around like a chicken with my legs cut off.”

“Knock it off before I beat you with a dead horse!!!”

“I don’t want to go out on a limb and shoot myself in the foot.”

“I’ve just got my feet in too many pies right now.”

“Gee, we haven’t been here since the last time.”

“I swear on my dog’s breakfast!”

“This library attracts deaf patrons like a siren’s song!”

“Don’t bite the mouth that feeds you.”

“I keep telling you these things, but you keep turning a blind cheek to it.”

“Screaming like a chicken with its head cut off.”