Chuck Norris Jokes

I have no idea where this originated, but it is hilarious.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself… The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.

The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type “Chuck Norris” into Google and hit “I’m Feeling Lucky!”.

Okay, then I went to Google, typed in Chuck Norris, and clicked I’m feeling lucky which took me to a page with lots more one-liners…

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

Chuck Norris doesn’t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the crap out of viruses. That’s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

LOL. I just realized that I misspelled it “churck norris” after reading this post: “Obviously reading comprehension is missing on a lot of people here. I know who Chuck Norris is, I was wondering who Churck Norris is.” Wow. It’s time for sleep.

308 Responses to “Chuck Norris Jokes”

  1. dustballs says:

    Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

  2. bcjr says:

    What came first? The Chicken or the Egg?? – Chuck Norris

  3. Chuck says:

    Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
    When Chuck Norris jumps into the pool, Chuck Norris doesn’t get wet, wet gets Chuck Norris.

  4. Maartin says:

    Chuck Norris is can slam a revolving door…

  5. torin says:

    when chuck norris goes swimming, he does not get wet. the water gets chuck norris.

  6. patrick lanenberg says:

    anyone can piss on the floor but chuck norris can shit on the cieling

    it took god 7 days to create paradise chuck norris destroyed it in 2

    chuck norris once had a stairing contest with the sun and that was the first time there was a solar eclipse

  7. moimeme says:

    Chuck norris doesnt die, he just stop to function

  8. Beth says:

    Chuck norris Rocks my socks off.

    Chuck Norris jokes are funnier than yo mama jokes.


  9. brien says:

    Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures if chuck norris

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  12. kill me die says:

    It rained last night because Chuck Norris round-housed kicked God in the face

    Before the first day Chuck Norris said, “let there be a God”

    Chuck Norris parted the Red Sea with his Karate chop

    Chuck Norris does’nt use doors, he kicks walls down.

    The world is slightly tilted because Chuck Norris stands on one side

    If Chuck Norris gets cut, he grows another muscle

    Chuck Norris Does’nt wait in lines, he simply walks to the front…

  13. Yoshomika says:

    Okay, first of all… bi*ch what is pretending to be Chuck Norris… stop it. You’re not even close. As someone already mentioned, Chuck Norris likes Chuck Norris jokes.

    And Chuck’s name isn’t Charles, it’s Carlos.

    By the by, am I the only one that thinks Chuck Norris should run for President?))

    The phrase “you are what you eat” will never apply to Chuck Norris because he never was and never will be a pussy.

  14. Kaikona says:

    Chuck norris puts the “fun” in funeral

  15. dan says:

    Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

  16. A kid says:

    Chuck Norris once invited all of TV’s badasses to a fight. Only Macguiver and Jack Bauer showed up. Macguiver tried to build a bomb outa Gatorade and Q-tips so Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the solar plexus and he promptly threw up his heart. Jack Bauer tried to use his knowlage of tourture techniques but Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Game…Set….Match

  17. A kid says:

    Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him a promising rookie.
    Chuck Norris is acctually dead 11 years now, but the reaper is too scared to tell him.
    When Chuck Norris was born he immediatly did the first nurse he saw. He was here fist she was his third…That afternoon.
    If Chuck norris and Mr. T walked into a building at the same time it would exploude because nothing can hold that much awsomness.

  18. A kid says:

    If a light blows in Chuck Norris’s house he doesnt change the light bulb he gets a new house
    How many Chuck Norrises would it take to change a light bukb? None Chuck Norris lieks to kill in the dark

  19. Tu' Madre' says:

    This web ite is really funny,but some of the jokes are REALLY REALLY GAY!!!PPL should stop and think….What would Chuck Norris do?see that is gayer than your moms pussy in her sunday dress!!in your face!!!bitches!not really!well i got to go because Chuck Norris is here at my side trying to stick his little vagina in my ear!bye

  20. chris says:

    if chuck norris is in a hurry, time had better slow down.

  21. fraif1254 says:

    chuck norris can kill two birds without a stone

    chuck norris counted to infinity…twice

    chuck norris let the effing dogs out.

  22. Jared Turner says:

    haha these jokes are hilarious!! thanx for posting them. oh i got one one time chuck norris banged ur mom.

  23. Rob V says:

    Supermans weakness is kryptonite…
    …kryptonites weakness is Chuck Norris

    Chuck Norris HAS caught all the pokemon…

    I believe in god…
    …god believes in Chuck Norris

    God didnt banish Lucifer from heaven…
    …Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him to hell

    Chuck Norris round house kicks people for no reason…

    If your trapped in a room with Chuck Norris…
    …dont bother praying because God is praying to Chuck Norris for you

    Thunder are just screams from lightning bolts being roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris…

  24. kelvin says:

    if superman and flash got in a race who wold win? CHUCK NORRIS

  25. A kid says:

    Chuck Norris lieks to knit sweaters…By knit i mean kick and by sweaters i mean babies.